JRH
She walked through the door. Even to this day, in my mind, the way the sun refracted through the half glass windows in the door of the Carl's Jr. behind her, lit the air around her as if she was an angel with a heavenly glow or halo that followed wherever she went. I was at my normal post working the drive through window watching her float across the room to the counter to present herself for the job interview that she had been scheduled for. The person in charge at that particular moment on that particular day happened to be working the drive thru with me, and she would be the person conducting the interview. As drive thru employees we both wore headsets with which to communicate with people in line to take orders, but also had the capability to speak directly to each other without any one else hearing the conversation. In between passing out orders and collecting money, I watched as the two of them walked toward a small table in a corner of the restaurant to begin. I placed my finger on the intercom button and voiced my opinion in the affirmative for the young girl. A couple minutes later I pleaded through the headset "You have to hire her." The only indication that my message had been received was the removal of the headset so as not to be bothered by my interjections again.
I was a favored employee in this location, having been given the "honor" of being awarded employee of the quarter 3 times that year, so my opinion may have been given some consideration, yet at the same time I had not taken any steps to further or better myself in the business. I was just the drive thru person. I was not a trainer or even a leader at that point.
Interview concluded, and she left. I questioned Juana on the quality of the potential hire, and got confirmation that she would be hired and starting the next week. My good friend at the time, Victor, cockily threw out the fact that as a trainer he would be the one working closest with her. For me there was more too it than just lust or infatuation. To me it was love at first sight so I responded solely "I'm going to be with that girl." There was not a doubt in my mind.
I had the morning shift. I opened the store at 6 am, and got off at 2 pm, everyday Monday thru Friday. The employees to be trained would come in starting at 2 pm and work till whenever. A few days went by and so far Janae seemed to be liked by all employees that had worked with her. My schedule being set the way that it was I hadn't crossed paths with her but I did ask how she was doing. One day I asked Juana if she could put in a good word for me which she was kind enough to agree to. The next day I followed up and asked if she had the chance to do so, and the reply was not what I had hoped. She had in fact mentioned me to Janae, to which Janae replied "Oh they other girls warned me about him." Apparently I had a reputation as being a flirtatious "player" that was not the type of person to be in a relationship with. Where exactly that came from is beyond me. I didn't and don't, at least at the time, feel that I fit that description in any way.
A couple days later I ran a little over in my shift ending just after Janae had started working. I decided to buy something to eat prior to leaving which would afford me the chance to finally speak to this girl that made my heart flutter. I wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and approached the line. Ordered my food, and before turning away looked her in the eye and said, "I know you've heard things about me, they aren't true. If you care to find out the truth for yourself, give me a call sometime."
A couple of weeks passed by, and no word. No call, nothing. Assuming she chose to believe what she had heard about we I had all but given up hope. One Saturday I was asked to cover for someone as they had called in sick. I agreed to go in to cover the shift. To my delight or detriment, I would be working with my friend Victor (who had in fact been training Janae), and Janae herself. I took up my role as the "Drive Thru Guru" as they had so nicknamed me, while Janae was working the interior of the place. Victor serving as the person expediting things between us. For some reason he had seen fit to ask if she had ever called me knowing that I had given her my phone number. I responded in the negative which almost seemed to offend him on my behalf. When the workload allowed he approached her and stated, "It's not right you should ignore my boy over there, he's a good guy."
She responded indignantly "I did call him. I left a message with his mom. HE never called ME back."
Upon this revelation I decided to talk to her. I apologized and let her know I had never received the message, and that if I had I would have called her immediately. She ended up giving me her number and we hung out that evening. That evening and every day for the next week. We had decided to date each other exclusively and spent every moment that we could with each other. One night shortly after, it was late and I was laying on her bed. She had a concerned look on her face. I asked her what was bothering her to which she replied, "I feel bad. You're always over here and not spending any time with your friends."
Without any thought and before I realized that words were coming out of my own mouth I said, "That's because I love..." realizing what I was saying I attempted to come up with anything that would have finished the sentence coherently but was drawing a blank almost as if my mind was set and nothing else would suffice, "you." I finished.
She didn't reciprocate saying it. I didn't expect her too. I had only been a couple weeks. There was a little bit of awkward silence. I don't remember staying too much longer that evening. A couple of days later my buddy came to me and asked if I wanted to go to Mexico with him his girlfriend and another girl. Janae and I were not able to enjoy each others company for a couple of days so I agreed to go. We were to leave Friday night, and be home by Sunday morning, so Janae and I had made plans to go on a picnic when I returned.
The trip took an unfortunate turn, and I had not returned home as planned. I attempted to call Janae from my cell phone, but being out of the normal coverage area service was spotty and the conversation was not clear, the only words that came through clear on my end, were hers telling me she loved me at the end of the call.
Things progressed rather quickly from there. About a month later I made a comment in passing that I would marry her in a heartbeat. A friendly back and forth ensued from there and the subject of a ring came up. I said lets go get you one then. My fixation with buying things for Leah had gotten me a small credit line at a jeweler in town so that is where we went. Janae opted to stay in the car citing that "It was my job to choose the ring," adding that she wanted to be surprised. I walked in, and was greeted by name. I explained what was going on, and asked to see if I could increase my credit limit so I could get something spectacular. They ran numbers and told me that I could essentially get anything that I wanted. I perused the shop for a bit and found an engagement ring and a wedding wrap that looked amazing together. Paperwork signed I was about to walk out the door, when I was given a small bear for being a good customer. Remembering Janae's comment that she wanted to be surprised I hid the rings in my pocket and walked out holding only the bear. As i got into the car, I explained that they weren't able to let me get a ring, but gave me the bear anyways. She graciously accepted the bear in it's place and we left.
Two or three days went past, ring all but forgotten by her, we were in my apartment and pretended to fall. Ring in hand, I rolled onto my back and asked her to help me up. As she pulled and I reached my knee, I produced the ring sliding it onto her finger and proposed.
A few short months later, I moved into a house in a different city not far away with my best friend of many years. Happy to once again have a house with a large yard, I got myself a couple of dogs. I was just starting a new promising career, was engaged to a girl who loved me, and was feeling happier than any other point in my life that I could remember. Things were looking up for me.
One night while laying in Janae's bed, my phone rang. It was my roommate calling. Despite all the positive that was going on in my life at that point the words that passed from the speaker in the phone through into my ears broke me. My dogs had somehow managed to get into the house and destroyed everything he explained to me. In a panic I excused my self and left, hurrying to begin the hour long drive to get home to assess the damages caused. It was late at night, thus not to many vehicles crowding the freeway making the drive an easy one that allowed my mind to run in all directions. The "darkness inside me", as it has since been nicknamed, festered at this point and would not stop repeating in my head that I would never be happy. Just as my life was turning around and beginning to look positive something would happen that would always bring me down. I was tired of living, and meant to do something about it.
I was halfway home by this point but that sudden perceived revelation caused me to exit the freeway turn around and head back to Janae's home. Not wanting to be an emotional drain on her, or make her feel as though it was her fault in any way, I was going to end the relationship and distance myself from her. Her eyes grew wide with shock and surprise as she opened the door for me, seeing the tears fall down my face. I began by explaining that there was something wrong with me, something deeply rooted inside me that wasn't any good for her and that I needed to end our relationship. She fought me at every point that night, and I finally caved. The plan was to get me help, something to get me past this, so that I could see how bright our future was. We were young. We were inexperienced. We were naive. Most of all, we were wrong.
We went on for another month without much progress into the help. We didn't know where to begin, and I hadn't gone anywhere emotionally but down, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I picked a fight that night, on purpose over the stupidest little thing that I could find wrong. I blew it way out of proportion and unrelentingly pursued the matter till she broke up with me. I was now free to end things. I spent the next week shopping. You may be thinking that is the one of the most ridiculous things you've ever heard or read, but allow me to explain. I loved her. I wanted nothing but her to be happy. I went shopping for her. I contacted her best friend at the time asking if she could meet me at the mall. Anything and everything Janae had ever expressed the slightest bit of interest in to either myself or Megan I bought. Clothes, jewelry, an expensive camera so she could pursue her hobby of photography, everything. I wrapped it all up in wrapping paper patterned with her favorite movie on it, and delivered it all along with a CD I had made that contained two songs on it. The first "Amazed" by Lonestar, to maybe begin to tell her how I felt about her. The second "Wish You Were Here" by Mark Wills. If you're not familiar with the song, it talks about a man that is going on (presumably) a business trip and leaving his wife. He buys a postcard with a picture of a beach on it with "Heaven" written across the top and on the back he writes "Wish you were here." His plane crashes, he doesn't survive, but the postcard still makes it to her.
Rather than leaving a single suicide note, I wrote personalized letters to all of my family, sealed and stamped them and had them ready to be mailed out. I bought a postcard, with a picture of a beach on it, and across the top it said "Los Angeles - City of Angels" which I added Heaven overlaid on Los Angeles, and addressed it to her.
The day I planned to kill myself I called her and asked her if we could meet for breakfast. I told I would be leaving that day and wanted to say goodbye to her before I did. Understandably, she sounded annoyed, but agreed.
We met up at a diner, and had a nice breakfast. It was unbelievable to me. One of the best I can remember. Towards the end of breakfast she finally addressed the elephant in the room and asked me where I was going. I told her I wasn't sure really, and just needed to get away and that I'd send her a postcard in a few days to let her know where I ended up. She didn't let it rest, and pressed the issue on and on, getting a little heated about it. After a while of going back and forth she pulled the "If you ever really loved me....." I'd tell her where I was going. She had me there. I told her I was going to Hell. She asked me what I meant by that, so I explained that there was only one way someone could actually go to Hell. Tears started flowing from her eyes as she pleaded with me to get help for myself. I hurt her. I had failed.
It was her pleading that stopped me that day. I checked myself into a hospital to get help, and was placed on a 72 hour hold. Janae was one of two visitors that came to see me while I was in there, and while I knew that it would never be the same between us, it made all the difference in the world. The hospital ultimately did nothing for me. Three days later I was released without any insight or direction to go. I turned to my sister who helped me find a doctor that got me some medication which helped with amazing results, had I stayed on them.