As well as things have been for me, I had to expect that it wouldn't last.  Not that anything specific has happened, or even changed.  Something just came to mind that I haven't really thought about for a bit.  It's not secret (to anyone who really knows me) but to say I'm happily married would be a lie.  I am married, yes.  I am happy....for the most part, but to put the two together just doesn't mesh for me.  There are many positives in my life, and marriage.  We don't fight.  We don't argue.  She stays out of my way when my mood requires.  There is just no passion (on my side).  To her, I am...infallible. I make her happy.  I bring her up, I lighten her day.  She looks forward to the moment I walk in the door.  She loves to do little things for me to show me how much she loves me.  She tells me she loves me.  Quite often actually.  Sadly (but truthfully) I cannot say it back.

This morning I was listening to some music that I haven't listened to in quite some time.  The first song which stuck out in my head that I wanted to listen to was "One Boy, One Girl" by Colin Raye.  The first lines say, "He finally gave in to his friend's girlfriend When she said, 'there's someone you should meet' At a crowded restaurant way cross town He waited impatiently She walked in their eyes met and they both stared And right there and then everyone else disappeared, but....."  I'm missing desire in my life.  Passion.  I go through the motions everyday, stuck in monotony. Wanting something, but not knowing what it is.  Now that I think about it, it stretches way beyond my wife.  That is just the object that is most prominent in my life to which it applies.  I want a connection with my spouse.  I want to feel that desire to see her, to engage with her.  To feel the comfort in being with her. To feel that longing when I'm away.  I just don't have that.  In the grander scheme of things, I want a job that offers some fulfillment.  A sense of purpose.  A sense of accomplishment.  I wish to educate myself, to better myself, to enlighten my mind with new ideas.  To exercise my talents.  Where does one begin to do this?