The pattern of my sadness or depression starting around the beginning of October and carrying on through the holiday season hasn't happened as expected the last two years. Perhaps I was foolish to think that it was gone. Perhaps after so many years I had learned to guard myself or rather prepare for it in hopes of lessening the impact of it. Perhaps I just let my guard down this year. I don't know, and never will for sure, but it is right on track this year.
My father who is in his 80's has had a rough couple of years, which seemingly started (surprise surprise) in October two years ago with a pretty bad car accident which caused the loss of use of his left arm. He was in the hospital for just over a month from it and was finally released just after Thanksgiving, to a rehab center. A week later he was found in said rehab center unresponsive and sent back to the hospital and underwent heart surgery to place a stint to relieve a blockage which had caused a heart attack. A couple weeks after that he went back into the hospital for yet another heart attack. Since that time he has been back in the hospital three more times for various reasons, and was released yesterday back to another rehab center. All the surgeries and treatments undergone have left him unable to care for himself. He cannot get out of bed, or stand up out of a chair by himself. He cannot go to the bathroom by himself. I've watched this man who has been active and working his whole life deteriorate. He can hardly see or hear.
My step-mother who has been taking care of him had a death in the family on her side this past week, and she had to go out of town. One of my sisters agreed to take him in for this period and stated that she is overwhelmed by the amount of care and attention that he is requiring of her. In a way, I guess it is fortunate (for her at least) that he ended up needing to go to the hospital for a few days again. She has been diligent in visiting him everyday, and at one point in their conversation he told her, that "He is holding on for us kids." An extremely sweet sentiment to be sure, no doubt, but at what point does it become selfishness? Hearing my sisters account of the care she is giving him showed us that we are not equipped, nor prepared to take care of him and yet he is holding on "for us", but while doing so is more work than good.
I can't imagine his quality of life being very good at this point. I don't want to live to that point, to where my kids or anyone for that matter has to help me go to the bathroom and clean me up afterwards. I don't want to be that burden on anyone even if it is someone whose profession it is to do so. I "joke" that if I'm ever getting to that point I'll put myself down so no one else has to deal with it. Given the circumstances I started wondering if at some point is it easier on family for someone to take their own life? Or would taking my own life at that point in life have the same effect on those around me, my kids most importantly, as it would if I were to do it today. If so, what is the point of sticking around? Do I do it sooner rather than later and give them more time to deal with it and adjust or do I wait till that point and devastate them and potentially their future families as well.