I've been watching "Californication" on Netflix the past couple weeks.  I can't lie, I love the show.  I identify with the shows main character more than I'd like to admit, aside from the fact that he never sticks up for himself.  He is always defending someone else, but when it comes to getting his side of things out there he shuts up and doesn't get his point of view out there.  I side with him on a lot of things, including his dysfunctional desire to be with the mother of his child.  I almost envy him for the fact that he had a chance to have a child with his "muse" which ties them together and keeps them in each others lives, no matter how bad things get.  What I wouldn't give to have had that chance.

I came across her a couple days ago.  I was driving around aimlessly during my lunch break, pulled through the parking lot in a local Walmart, and much to my chagrin, my delight there she was walking across the isle into the store her youngest in tow.  That youngest which had I not created the life I did could very easily have been mine.  Aside from all that, seeing her ripped me into shreds throwing my emotions every which way but right.  The sheer sight of her bringing me euphorically to paradise, but at the same time slowly ripping the band aid off of the gaping hole in my chest.  The joy and peace she brought into my life being overshadowed by the anxiety of not wanting her to see me for fear of how such an encounter might cause her to react.  I've only seen her one other time since the day that things ended between us.  The last time wrenching my insides around making me almost sick.  Not that seeing her in person was a bad thing, quite the contrary really, more the knowledge that for the second and most likely last time I drove her away. 

I cannot believe in karma.  I cannot believe or wrap my head around the concept that I have done anything in this life or a past one that would make me deserving of the anguish that I felt, watching her walk unknowingly past me in a crowd.