They say no news, is good news. If that is in fact true, then the fact that I haven’t posted anything in almost three years must mean that life has been pretty good for me, right? Nothing to batch about, nothing to complain about. No news.

Life over the past couple years, i’m not going to lie, has been pretty good. Mundane, but good. My immediate family has survived the Covid-19 pandemic (if you want to call it that) unscathed. Very happy to have had the house during the lock downs that were imposed. I can’t imagine I’d have had much of a family left had we still been in the little apartment that were left behind. The house was big enough that no one was on top of one another, and while going a little stir crazy at times we survived it. I’m in an industry that for the most part was never shut down. Competitors laid people off and shut down, which drove all their work into my place of employment so while things were slowing down elsewhere, we got busier that ever before. I was at work everyday like nothing had changed. I’m thankful for that. It did get to a point were I couldn’t take the stress anymore and changed employers. In the grand scheme of things, at least for the foreseeable future was a very bad move on my part. I’ll get to the why in a bit.

I’ve also started a successful side business with another guy and his father. His father chipped in the operating expenses to cover us for a couple months, my main business partner quite his job to perform the main day to day business operations, while I spend my evenings covering the paperwork for the business, after spending about 12 hours a day away from home for my regular work. We’ve been operating for nine moths thus far, and business is good. I’m not going to lie.

So if all is so good, why am I here? What is going on that is making me take time out of my weekend to post? Well…aside from the simple fact that if I don’t post on here, this site is a waste of resources, and the want to be more diligent in posting.

Towards the end of February, my wife found a lump in one of her breasts. We weren't too concerned about it, after all she’s only 38 years old, no family history, doesn't drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t tick any of the boxes for what is perceived to be any contributing factors, but we decided it was something that we should have checked out.

It took a month for us to get in to see the doctor. During that month is when I changed jobs. I took a large pay cut in changing, but hey I’ve got the business to subsidize us and maintain our life style.

First doctors visit, the words we expected to hear were not uttered. The doctor couldn’t tell us that it wasn’t anything to worry about. Instead we were referred to another doctor to get a mammogram, and ultrasound, so another couple weeks go by. We go in, again hoping to hear, “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, it looks like it’s just ……”. Again we are let down. We are then referred to another office to get a biopsy done. Two of them in fact as the imaging revealed there was a second area with a mass. The biopsies come back. Cancer. Both sites.

Had I stayed at the original job, with the business income, financially we would have been fine. Add in all the co-pays, deductibles, and prescriptions, financially we are going to hurt. Aside from the finances, I was a salaried employee, with a boss that didn’t throw a fit if I needed time off, which from the sound of things this journey is going to require.

Understandably, I’ve been asked by a lot of people how I’m doing. My unique marital situation allows for me to be at ease with the situation. Not i’m not trying to sound cold, indifferent, or straight up like an asshole, but the situation doesn’t affect my too much. I’m not the one dealing with cancer. I’m confident that she will recover. If I’m wrong, I lose a friend, but gain freedom. My kids will lose their mother, but they seem to come to more and rely on me more than they do from her anyways. It’ll be sad. We'll all be sad, life will change drastically, but we'll be able to move on.

So how am I really doing? Being completely honest about it, I'm jealous of her. The sad reality that I cannot express to anyone. For as long as I can remember, I’ve dealt with depression and wanting to die. Suicide isn’t an option. I’ve seen the devastating effects of it on families and friends. I cannot put the people that I care about through it, so I’ve stuck through it and “suffered" with it. My life isn’t bad, but when it isn’t what you want it’s still a struggle. My wife on the other hand, loves life, wants to live and yet out of the two of us she is the one stricken with the potentially deadly illness. She’s the one with the out that I would happily take on given the opportunity. Why her? Why not me?