Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It's not a blight, but a remedy
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You're waiting, hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn't' where you think you'd find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don't be afraid, don't turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don't let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don't let hope become a memory

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Sickening, weakening
Don't let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Don't ignore, listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness
Can show you the light

--Disturbed

"The Light"

Thanksgiving is over, Christmas if fast approaching, all in all my mood has been positive thus far.  The only damper so far this year has been my father.  He was in a pretty bad car accident a few weeks back.  His arm badly damaged, bad enough that there is talk of amputation but nothing for certain thus far.  We've stayed positive (my sisters, my wife, etc.) and he was recovering well, only to suffer a heart attack this week, so back into the hospital he goes.  It saddens me that he has been suffering.  I'd hate to think of his life ending this way.  He deserves better.  Not that this is the end of his life, but I would imagine that it is coming soon.  Next month (Dec.) he will be turning 82. 

Another birthday has come and gone.  Typically my birthday marks the decline of my mood for the rest of the year.  This year, however, it would seem that the changes that I have made in my life have made a difference in my mood overall. Currently, at least for now, I'm content in life.  No longer longing for the end. Those changes would not have happened had things gone a different way last year.  I have to wonder. Had things worked out differently with Brittany, would my mood have darkened these last few months of the year as it has for so many years in the past? I will never know, but I would assume it would have.  Interesting trade off if you ask me.

The thing about me.  Me and what ever it is that I deal with in my head, the number one thing that anyone around me should remember.

"Never discount the thrill and excitement of spontaneity, and don't ever doubt my capacity or enthusiasm for it."

Had that point been known, and or understood about me, life would currently be much different.

Secondly, a realization that I've come to understand about myself, or rather something that I've known about myself for quite some time, yet have never been able to really put into words.

"If left to my own devices, I will destroy myself."

Don't ever underestimate me.  Don't ever think you completely understand me. To know me is to love me, but in the story of my life, love only leads to pain.

There was once a time that I had planned on ending my life.  Countless times since I've wished for a time machine that I could use to go back to that point and change the fact that I didn't go through with it; to avoid everything that I've gone through since. My soul regret in life being the alternative outcome that day.

Reflecting last night, I came to the realization that I no longer wish to go back to that point, and that that is no longer my soul regret.  The thought didn't even cross my mind that, that is what I would change in my life given the chance. Funny how a little time can change your entire outlook on things.

Currently I'd go back to 2009.

Fading, falling, lost in forever Will I find a way to keep it together? Am I strong enough to last through the weather In the hurricane of my life?
Can it be a conscious decision? That I look for ways to alter my vision? Am I speeding towards another collision In the alleyways of my life?

Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Those who have fallen
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Those who have fallen

And please believe me That my eyes deceive me
Don't stand me up Just leave me
I have fallen again This is the end
Pain redefined

Shaking, burning up with the fever In the realm of pain, I am the deceiver
Now I lie to myself, so I can believer her As she dissembles my life
I cannot dispel the illusion All my hopes and dreams are drowned by confusion
Can I find a way to make a solution That will reconfigure my life?

Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Those who have fallen
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Memories don't lie
You're no better than
Those who have fallen

And please believe me That my ears deceive me
Don't stand me up Just leave me
I have fallen again This is the end
Pain Redefined

Please believe me That the world deceives me
Don't stand me up Just leave me
I have fallen again This is the end
Pain Redefined

Disturbed

"Pain Redefined"

Ten Thousand Fists

Life goes on.  The one really good (and bad) thing about my life is that it's pretty routine.  Nothing really ever happens that is life changing.  I pretty much know what to expect, and what is going to happen.  I'm using this realization to understand that most of the emotional rollercoaster that I ride is inside of me, and if it's inside of me it is something that I can attempt to control and eventually change.  The little blips in life that do happen I will have to use for this purpose, and while they may momentarily set me off it's up to me to remember to stay calm about it and take it for what it is.  I wish I had been practicing this more a couple years ago, as it is my belief that my life would be significantly different now, but different doesn't mean better, and different doesn't mean happy either.  I'm finding peace in the life that I have, and will strive to turn that peace into happiness.

This is not the end This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear
Until we get, forget it, Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts we're spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Yeah, yeah
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what I haven't got)

We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear
Until we get it, forget it, Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what I haven't got!)

Waiting for the End

--Linkin Park

A Thousand Suns

I feel the need to write, without anything to write.  Work is fine, home is fine, marriage is typical. Nothing out of the ordinary going on to speak of, yet I feel like I need to post something.  Something about nothing apparently.

I do get to see my mom tomorrow.  I guess that is a little out of the ordinary.  She is coming into town for my stepdad's grandson's wedding today, and will be spending the day with my side of the family tomorrow.  It's exciting to see my mom because it only happens maybe once a year.

I dream about her much more often than I care to admit.  Twice last night in fact.  The first us interacting as friends would, my wife right along with her, encouraging the interactions.  Almost as if she was taunting, "I've got him and you don't."  Not that it would matter as the other young woman would most likely not want anything to do with me after the fact, of course things were different in the dream.  It was nice to say the least.

The second dream was solely a conversation via text; rather inciting a text conversation.  Timidly, unsure of how the message would be received at first but progressing slowly.  It was very short, but well received prior to me waking up.