I spoke with my mom last night, and told her about the dream.  I asked her if she had ever had a miscarriage, which is something I've never heard any indication of, no chatter, no whisper.  Nothing has ever happened in my life to give me any reason to think, wonder, question or even conceive any inkling of a notion that may have happened.

After a couple of seconds in silence the answer came back in the affirmative. A very early term, doesn't "know if it would even count" but still a yes. My mind is spinning. I'm not the type (or at least I try not to be) to just jump to conclusions.  I try to weigh things with a sensible, level head, to try to look at things from multiple perspectives, and in this case I don't know what to think.

I dreamt I was getting married to her last night. It was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had. It went something like this.

I was getting married this day. Lots of hustle and bustle, people running around setting up and decorating. I look around and realize that the venue that we are at is a graveyard. This isn't a surprise to anyone and doesn't seem to bother anyone as if it were planned that way. Another thing that I notice is that this graveyard shares the property with a temple. This temple looks very much like the Mormon temple in Los Angeles, CA.

The only people I can see at this time is my family. All running around fulfilling their duties in preparation for the big day.  My focus turns to my mother staring out into the distance over the many scattered graves.  I walk up to her, and as I put my arm around he shoulder she says "It's over there." as she lifts her arm pointing. As my eyes move to see what she is pointing at, the scenery becomes familiar, and I recognize it as the graveyard my sister is buried in. A sense of peace washed through my body knowing that my sister was able to be with me on my wedding day. We start to move towards her gravesite, feeling calm.  As I approach her plot, rather than her usual flat, in-ground headstone I am accustomed to, there is a large ornate statuesque headstone in it’s place, with a young woman sitting on top of it.  The family that had walked over with me began to be upset that this woman was sitting atop my sister’s grave, and it was as if they just faded away in that they were not the focus of what was going on, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying.  I on the other hand recognized the young woman to be my sister who died, well before I was born, at the age of eight only in the dream she was grown up well into her twenties.  She smiled at me and said “You’re doing the right thing.”

I stared at her and the headstone almost in disbelief, when I noticed a second name scribed on the tombstone.  A name I didn’t recognize, a name I don’t know, and a name that I don’t remember.  I asked her about it.  She said it was the name of another brother whom my mother had miscarried.

Excited by the appearance of my sister and wanting to include her in the day’s festivities, I ran to have some decorations moved to her headstone and have the photographer take pictures of it.

I woke up, to my dismay, in my darkened bedroom disappointed that it was just a dream.

Funny and amazing how fast things can change.  Last couple of days I've felt overwhelmed, and anxious.  I don't feel that I'm ever going to get ahead, so what is the point?  On the outside nothing has changed, family is healthy, work is going well.  What is it inside me that can't just relax and let go?  Most people would say that I'm the most laid back person they know, and that is very well true, but times like this I wonder why I can't let go.

I can't put my finger on it, but something in my life, something inside me has changed, at least for now.  My feelings of despair are... missing.  I can't say they are gone.  Gone would indicate that they would not return, but for the time being I am... content.  Content in that I am almost happy in life.  Almost being the key word there.  I do feel that my life is missing something, something that I wasn't missing last year around this time, but I am content in other ways.  A blessing of sorts, unless it is to build me up only to thrust me down to places that I may never return from?  Time will tell. 

I've survived until Christmas time at least.  Honestly, the way things were going for me I'm a little surprised at that.  If you've spent any time reading my posts you probably already know how much I like this time of year.  Stacked upon everything else that is going on inside my head makes quite a lovely place.  While the pain is at a manageable level, the darkness still looms.

My mind wanders towards her still.  Throughout all that transpired between us, and the pain I've felt, I hope that she is happy.  Her happiness is all that I desired all along.  Had I known that she was already happy none of this would have ever happened.  It was her deception that my presence in her life was for the better.
 

The unknown isn't as scary as one might think.  I'll be surprised if I can make it through another year. 

Meeting her was the most amazing thing that could have happened in my life.  That progressing to the point that it did with her...unfathomable.  Never in my mind would I have ever imagined, or dreamt that I could imagine being that happy. 

Coping with losing her...is beyond my ability.  The short list of things that remind me of her:  Everything.  The long list:  Multiple songs, people I work with.  The city I work in.  The whistle on everyone's phone. Target, GoPro's, black Honda's, Kriby,  LA Fitness, Vegas, bananas, artichokes, coconut flour, Sprouts, the Paleo diet, douche bags that wear black socks. 1150.  Ray Donovan.  Need I continue?

My sons are the only thing that keep me from ending things now.  No because I want to be around them, or to watch them grow up, but because they are so attached to me.  I told my wife, time and time again once I had left, to move on, hoping that she may find someone that would be a better role model, a better example of what to be.  Someone with a drive to live, someone that wants to live.

Every day it gets harder and harder to ignore, harder to accept, harder to endure.  My patience is wearing thin.  My desire to do something is growing. 

"I will end where I began."

-Breaking Benjamin

Dear Agony

One of my favorite lines from any song of all time.  I've always thought that if I were to ever end my own life that it would be on my birthday. To end where I began.  I've even gone so far as to contemplate going to the hospital where I was born on my birthday to do it.  Seems like it would be the perfect end.

Tomorrow is my birthday....and like every year for as long as I can remember (maybe with the exception of last year) the thought always crosses my mind.  "Will this be the last one?" I ask my self.  Do I think I can pull it together for one more year to make it to the next birthday?  Answering yes to that question has never been harder that it is for me tonight.

I cannot remember a time in my life that I was happier than while I had her in my life.  This darkness and anger (for lack of a better term at the moment) inside me subsided.  Life truly was happy, the future bright, I was motivated and invigorated to be the best person I could be.  For myself, for her, for our collective children.  Rip that away from me and where does that leave me?  Songs that were once my favorite songs that I sought for throughout the day, I now cannot even stomach.  Sights, smells, places, things, everywhere I turn remind me that I don't have that future anymore.  It drives me farther and farther down the path of insanity that I'm on.  My options only seem to dwindle away as time moves on.  My final destination draws nearer and nearer which is the only thing that seems to bring peace to me and put me at ease.

Historically Oct. 1st. has always been a bad day for me.  Odd as this may sound I can look back and site specific examples.  The first earthquake I had ever experienced when I was young was on Oct. 1st.  Few years later while sitting in class, someone runs into the class hits me in the side of the head knocking me out of my chair and steals my watch.  No other day out of any year seems to stand out like Oct. 1st.  This year prior to the first I get wind that I'm getting fired and make arrangements accordingly to start a new job on the first.  As if life took a look at me and said "No, you aren't getting away that easily." my younger sons winds up in the ER, then gets transferred to a children's hospital an hour away with a severe case of pneumonia completely out of the blue.  Thankfully he has now recovered, however the timing of it all seems more than a little like coincidence.

I look at myself in the mirror, disgusted by who, what and where I am.  The gravity of all that I've gone through and done over the past year eats at me.  Pulls me down to an abyss that I don't want to escape.  I want to go deeper.  The pain turns to anger. Anger that sooner or later will break me.  I hope that at some point I can stop myself before I do something most will not understand. 

The anger that has been building lately has subsided, but been replaced with anxiety.  I find myself with feelings that I imagine to be cabin fever.  I'm bursting at the seams wanting something to do, anything to keep my mind occupied so that I can't focus on my life and how unhappy I am with it.