My life feels lack luster. Mundane. Monotonous. I go through the motions day by day. Putting on the front of being ok. Trying to be a good father, trying to be the best husband I can be under the circumstances. I spend everyday trying to appear normal. That I don't wish to be able to end it all.
It builds up inside me. I can feel the oncoming need for a release.
Darkness is welling up inside me. I can feel it. I need to find something to occupy my mind to keep me from doing something self destructive. Surprisingly it isn't directed inward for a change, but outward.
It's been an interesting week. Not so much eventful, but the thought and feelings that have changed in my head.
The dreams continue to haunt me. I'm losing sleep over them.
I've decided to go off my meds for a while. I have a tendency to be more outgoing on them which I absolutely love, however the reverse side of that is that I seem to get anxious when I'm not doing anything. Makes it hard to relax most of the time. I get restless, can't sleep and who knows what else. Times like that is when my "darkness" (as my wife likes to call it) takes over.
Regardless, I think getting back to "normal" for a bit will take some of the heartache I've been feeling lately away. Sadly the meds seem to be, for lack of a better term, addictive. It's been a few days and I can feel the actual physical effects of it. I have bouts of dizziness. Not long ones just enough for me to momentarily lose my balance. It's a very strange feeling.
The lapse in my writing is unmistakenly a testement to the good that came out of things that should have been. Alas I fear that all that made me happy over the course of the last few months is gone, with out any real explanation. My life has been full of turmoil and mistakes. Love and happiness. Loss and sorrow. The love I felt for the young lady referred to in my last post grew beyond what my mind and imagination could comprehend. Things developed and grew however never came to fruition. To my knowledge she never left her husband. The pain caused by the wait drove me insane and in a moment of weakness in a drunken stupor I hurt myself. Cutting my arms, legs, torso, outside, under the light of a lunar eclipse, hoping to ease the emotional torment that pained me. Seeking a release that was nowhere to be found. The evidence of that night proved to be more than this young lady could accept, despite everything that was said between us. Over the course of a few weeks after that night my fate was sealed. I had lost her. Not having the strength to move on with my life as I had set it up I have moved back in with my wife whom I had left. Accepting that the only real happiness that my life will hold is that of watching my children grow, hoping that events of my life will not repeat themselves in thiers.
My heart is still pained with my loss however. I've tried to accept it and move on. My mind is haunted every waking moment, my only attempt at escape is to sleep where I am tormented nightly by dreams of her. Being with her, seeking closure, asking for another chance. I don't know how I can continue like this. The saying that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all is not true by any stretch. The simple fact that I have loved and lost makes me question all reasons for continuing to go on. I've spent days on the couch sleeping, not wanting to get up or move. Not wanting to fulfill my parental duties. A shell of the man I should be, could be, and want to be.
Unconsolable. Time heals all wounds some say. It's been almost 2 months with no contact yet the pain is as real as the moment it hit me that there was no future for us. No future for me. Only pain and disappointment.
One of the owners to my company was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness for which there is no cure. He has been accepted into a clinical study to hopefully stop the progression of the disease, and possibly reverse some of the effects. The study however has not started and there is still a possibility that a more qualified participant may be found which could kick him out of the study. In an email from him to my boss in which she had asked how he was doing his response was "It's painful waiting around for something that may or not happen." When I first read that it almost just rolled off my back with no real meaning to it. That changed a few days ago for me. I've recently come to the conclusion that my marriage is at it's end. I've also taken on a fancy to someone new. Trouble being she is also married, and while her marriage isn't perfect, she has talked about leaving him. One has to wonder however how long you are supposed to wait in a situation like this. I don't intend to wait around forever hoping that in the off chance she does actually decide to leave him, I would be able to fill the position.
I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end You were made to make it hurt Disappear into the dirt Carry me to heaven's arms Light the way and let me go Take the time to take my breath I will end where I began And I will find the enemy within 'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin Dear agony Just let go of me Suffer slowly Is this the way it's gotta be Dear agony Suddenly The lights go out Let forever drag me down I will fight for one last breath I will fight until the end And I will find the enemy within 'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin Dear agony Just let go of me Suffer slowly Is this the way it's gotta be Don't bury me Faceless enemy I'm so sorry Is this the way it's gotta be Dear agony Leave me alone God let me go I'm blue and cold Black sky will burn Love pull me down Hate lift me up Just turn around There's nothing left Somewhere far beyond this world I feel nothing anymore Dear agony Just let go of me Suffer slowly Is this the way it's gotta be Don't bury me Faceless enemy I'm so sorry Is this the way it's gotta be Dear agony I feel nothing anymore
"Dear Agony"
Breaking Benjamin
Hollow?...Empty?...I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling today, because those words don't really even fit. Numb? Nothing quite fits. I've come across a handful of songs that have the line "I'd rather hurt, than feel nothing." That's almost the way I feel right now. I do feel like hurting myself. Nothing life threatening. I'm a cutter. For as long as I can remember cutting has always been a release from me. Once I turned 18 I started getting tattoos because the release was the same, however no one looks at you funny when getting a tattoo. No one looks at you with that look that says "what is wrong with you", or "why are you doing that to yourself?" You don't have to worry about someone butting in trying to figure out how to "help" you. I think I'm beyond help. I honestly don't believe that I will ever get better. I don't think I can get better. I don't even know what better would be. There are two people inside my head, neither of which is the person that I want to be. They are opposites. What makes one happy disgusts the other, what one accepts the other despises.
I went for a walk by myself on Christmas day. Had to attempt to clear my head and try to get into a somewhat clearer state of mind. It didn't exactly work the way I wanted it to or hoped it would. Oddly walking by all the decorated houses brought some peace to my mind.
I was listening to music while I walked. Towards the end of the walk the cd Minutes to Midnight by Linkin Park started playing, and the first few songs that played really stuck out in my head. Lyrics from track 2 "Given Up" that really jumped out at me were "I've given up, I'm sick of feeling...tell me what the fuck is wrong with me". I really do wish I knew what was wrong with me. Track 3 "Leave Out All The Rest" says "When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some, reason to be missed. Don't resent me and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest." Track 5 "Shadow Of The Day" says "Sometimes goodbye's the only way." I'm sure you kinda get the drift of where I'm going. These songs did bring me some solace.
Since then I've gone farther and farther down a dark path. It's affecting my work, my friends. I know my wife can sense something is wrong, but is afraid to really approach me about it other than repeating "You know you can talk to me...." At work I'm so frustrated I have to fight against myself to keep from walking out and saying fuck it all.
My health is suffering. I've hardly eaten over the past 5 days, although I'm not exactly complaining as I'm noticably losing weight.
In all honesty, the only thing keeping me alive right now is the thought of the pain my boys would suffer if I were not around. Everything else that I feel is overcome by that, but internally that rips me apart as well. I wish I knew how to be a better person for them. I fear everyday that what I have inside me has or will somehow be passed along to them and that someday they may be suffering the way I am...