The lapse in my writing is unmistakenly a testement to the good that came out of things that should have been. Alas I fear that all that made me happy over the course of the last few months is gone, with out any real explanation. My life has been full of turmoil and mistakes. Love and happiness. Loss and sorrow. The love I felt for the young lady referred to in my last post grew beyond what my mind and imagination could comprehend. Things developed and grew however never came to fruition. To my knowledge she never left her husband. The pain caused by the wait drove me insane and in a moment of weakness in a drunken stupor I hurt myself. Cutting my arms, legs, torso, outside, under the light of a lunar eclipse, hoping to ease the emotional torment that pained me. Seeking a release that was nowhere to be found. The evidence of that night proved to be more than this young lady could accept, despite everything that was said between us. Over the course of a few weeks after that night my fate was sealed. I had lost her. Not having the strength to move on with my life as I had set it up I have moved back in with my wife whom I had left. Accepting that the only real happiness that my life will hold is that of watching my children grow, hoping that events of my life will not repeat themselves in thiers.
My heart is still pained with my loss however. I've tried to accept it and move on. My mind is haunted every waking moment, my only attempt at escape is to sleep where I am tormented nightly by dreams of her. Being with her, seeking closure, asking for another chance. I don't know how I can continue like this. The saying that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all is not true by any stretch. The simple fact that I have loved and lost makes me question all reasons for continuing to go on. I've spent days on the couch sleeping, not wanting to get up or move. Not wanting to fulfill my parental duties. A shell of the man I should be, could be, and want to be.
Unconsolable. Time heals all wounds some say. It's been almost 2 months with no contact yet the pain is as real as the moment it hit me that there was no future for us. No future for me. Only pain and disappointment.