I went for a walk by myself on Christmas day. Had to attempt to clear my head and try to get into a somewhat clearer state of mind. It didn't exactly work the way I wanted it to or hoped it would. Oddly walking by all the decorated houses brought some peace to my mind.
I was listening to music while I walked. Towards the end of the walk the cd Minutes to Midnight by Linkin Park started playing, and the first few songs that played really stuck out in my head. Lyrics from track 2 "Given Up" that really jumped out at me were "I've given up, I'm sick of feeling...tell me what the fuck is wrong with me". I really do wish I knew what was wrong with me. Track 3 "Leave Out All The Rest" says "When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some, reason to be missed. Don't resent me and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest." Track 5 "Shadow Of The Day" says "Sometimes goodbye's the only way." I'm sure you kinda get the drift of where I'm going. These songs did bring me some solace.
Since then I've gone farther and farther down a dark path. It's affecting my work, my friends. I know my wife can sense something is wrong, but is afraid to really approach me about it other than repeating "You know you can talk to me...." At work I'm so frustrated I have to fight against myself to keep from walking out and saying fuck it all.
My health is suffering. I've hardly eaten over the past 5 days, although I'm not exactly complaining as I'm noticably losing weight.
In all honesty, the only thing keeping me alive right now is the thought of the pain my boys would suffer if I were not around. Everything else that I feel is overcome by that, but internally that rips me apart as well. I wish I knew how to be a better person for them. I fear everyday that what I have inside me has or will somehow be passed along to them and that someday they may be suffering the way I am...

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