I feel completely defeated today.
For a long time know, I've subscribed to my own theory that there are three types of people in the world that can best be described by a horizontal line.
The first type, the line is inclined. This type of person excels in most things that they do. They are outgoing, and for lack of a better term are always in the right place, at the right time and things seem to go their way.
The second type, the line is pretty flat. This person is complacent, content with the way things are, not motivated to change, and just happy to go through life.
The third type, the line is at a decline. This type of person has motivation to get things to change, however this change isn't always a good thing. They tend to want things to change so much, not being content in life that often times they are self destructive, making the wrong decisions in how to get their life to change.

Unfortunately for me, I seem to fall into this third category. I live my life, for the most part a good person, trying to always to the right thing. Be fair to all, and yet here I am, a real wreck, not happy at home, not happy at work, not getting anywhere closer to where I need to be.
If Karma were a real thing I think I would have to believe in reincarnation, and that I've lived my past lives as a horrible person, and am now having to deal with the consequences made in those past lives.

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It's that time of year again. My mood has surprisingly been a little bit better than usual...mostly. The wife has taken a liking to going to church, and seems to have found a purpose, and place to fit in. Even spent a good amount of time arranging and planning a Christmas party at church. It's been good to see her finding friends and acceptance with good people.
As for me...well...I can't say that I haven't had my share of holiday gloom. The other day I had the worst bout of feeling the desire to end it that I can remember in a while. Top off the depression with vivid, tiring dreams causing myself not to sleep well, and.... I dunno. I'm a mess. A certifiable mess.

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At church for a minor meeting with someone for my wife last night.  Only 2 other people there besides my family and I, my wife is off with one of them for her meeting, the other quietly playing the piano in the dark (the lights for some reason would not turn on.)  My older son asked me to transform a transformer for him, so I walked over toward a door where I knew I would have some light to see with.  The transition from dark to light, with quiet piano music in the background was surreal.  I imagined that was what dying would be like.  It was peaceful.

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Celebrated my 7th wedding aniversary this week. Took the day off from work, spent time with my sons, and my wife, spent some time away from my boys with just my wife. All in all it should have been a really relaxing day.
Nothing in my life ever seems to be that easy. By the time we had finished dinner, my mood had sunk so low that I physically hurt, head to toe. I can't remember the last time that I wanted to die so bad.
Telling my boys later that night that I had to go to work the next day made them sad. As a parent I want to do everything within my power to make them happy. That contrasted with my desire to die rips at me more than anything else. I want to die, yes, but then the thought pops into my head that should I decide to end my life my sons will not have me in their lives. That would not be good for them hence the dicotomy my life....Of course now taking a look back, it may be better for them. They are still young, which studies have shown in cases of divorce, younger children tend to recover faster and are more well adjusted than children who's parents divorced later in their lives. I may be selfishly trying to justify things to myself to get what I want also.

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Today I get to go to a wedding. I'm really not looking forward to it. I can't say that I'm anti-marriage, but I won't say that I'm excited when I hear someone is getting married. My marriage isn't your typical one, and I must admit that my experience with it makes me realize that it's just a paper. You don't feel different when you're married. The person that you marry stays then same, they don't become the perfect person that you always see them as.
All sourness aside, they way I've been feeling lately being around people celebrating something that I don't fully support may not be the best idea...
Maybe they will have an open bar so I can drink myself to death.

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I've found lately that the only time I feel somewhat at peace is in my car. Radio turned up as loud as my ears will take, subs hitting me from behind drowning the entire world out. Strange vision of peace isn't it.
Today though, not even the music seemed able to drown out my thoughts. Stopped at a light, listening to a song, I leaned my head back. The only thought that ran through my mind was how with my head back my neck was opened up to jamming something through my jugular, or how the head rest of the seat gently supported the back of my head wondering how much resistance it would provide should I choose to put a gun underneath my chin pulling the trigger....
Good morning to me....

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Wow! Been a while. Time sure flies doesn't it!
Well let's catch up. Finally went and found myself a doctor. What does that mean you ask? Well I got meds to help me with my issues. Now I know what you're thinking; "Good for you! Glad to hear you're getting help!"
If only that were the case. I was on the meds for about 5 months. Same perscription that I had before, so I knew it would work for me. Problem with getting older however is that you tend (most people at least) to get wiser. With that being said, I noticed a few side effects that I didn't realize were side effects the last time around. With this new knowledge I decided to stop taking them, to make sure that it was indeed a side effect and not a fluke. Turns out I'm right. So now here I am, off my meds for about.....3 weeks (maybe 4, times goes by so fast nowdays). I have to admit, it might not have been the best idea to stop taking them. Between work being crazy busy and my going off my meds, I am officially a wreck. Angry, irritable, and of course depressed. Thoughts of wanting to end it are running rampant. I'm doing my best to fight them off, however it is taking it's toll on me, I must admit. I wish I could just curl up into a ball and disappear. Or maybe I just need a break. A break from parenting, a break from marriage, a break from family and friends, a break from work. Fat chance. I'm sure that this isn't any big news for other parents out there. I don't think I'm special in that aspect at all we all need a break sometimes....right?

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At work I work a lot with customers face to face. I have to admit that I've got a talent for it, the majority of my customers seem to love me. Recently I've noticed that I tend to use the same phrases and sayings with each customer. It always seems to put a smile on their faces and seems to make them fell warm and fuzzy inside. The thought crossed my mind the other day. Do my customers realize that I'm giving everyone the same phrases, or do they think that they are each special? I do care about my customers, more than most people do I think, I just find it interesting that by repeating myself I'm actually appeasing people and making them feel good.

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So on Valentine's I wanted to post, but the only thing that would come to mind it "Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger." Kinda morbid thought for a day like Valentine's day I know. That's why I didn't post it and instead have decided to explore it a little bit more in my head. It originally started out from lyrics from a country song by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss titled "Whiskey Lullaby" in which someone drinks themselves to death. The lyric reads "...put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger...". I'm not suicidal. I hope that no one ever mistakes this site as some sort of cry for help, or message board that I'm using to post my suicide note. I do wish my life would end however.

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Haven't had many thoughts worth posting lately. That being said I have been in a mood the last week or so. It's not depression I don't think. The mind is very powerful. The sadness I feel has started to manifest itself physically, in that my entire body aches in pain. My hope was that feeling something might spark some sort of ambition in me; that it might motivate me to do something to change my life. So far....nothing....

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