Celebrated my 7th wedding aniversary this week. Took the day off from work, spent time with my sons, and my wife, spent some time away from my boys with just my wife. All in all it should have been a really relaxing day.
Nothing in my life ever seems to be that easy. By the time we had finished dinner, my mood had sunk so low that I physically hurt, head to toe. I can't remember the last time that I wanted to die so bad.
Telling my boys later that night that I had to go to work the next day made them sad. As a parent I want to do everything within my power to make them happy. That contrasted with my desire to die rips at me more than anything else. I want to die, yes, but then the thought pops into my head that should I decide to end my life my sons will not have me in their lives. That would not be good for them hence the dicotomy my life....Of course now taking a look back, it may be better for them. They are still young, which studies have shown in cases of divorce, younger children tend to recover faster and are more well adjusted than children who's parents divorced later in their lives. I may be selfishly trying to justify things to myself to get what I want also.
An unobstructed, unbiased look into my thoughts, feelings and outlook on life.