"I will end where I began."

-Breaking Benjamin

Dear Agony

One of my favorite lines from any song of all time.  I've always thought that if I were to ever end my own life that it would be on my birthday. To end where I began.  I've even gone so far as to contemplate going to the hospital where I was born on my birthday to do it.  Seems like it would be the perfect end.

Tomorrow is my birthday....and like every year for as long as I can remember (maybe with the exception of last year) the thought always crosses my mind.  "Will this be the last one?" I ask my self.  Do I think I can pull it together for one more year to make it to the next birthday?  Answering yes to that question has never been harder that it is for me tonight.

I cannot remember a time in my life that I was happier than while I had her in my life.  This darkness and anger (for lack of a better term at the moment) inside me subsided.  Life truly was happy, the future bright, I was motivated and invigorated to be the best person I could be.  For myself, for her, for our collective children.  Rip that away from me and where does that leave me?  Songs that were once my favorite songs that I sought for throughout the day, I now cannot even stomach.  Sights, smells, places, things, everywhere I turn remind me that I don't have that future anymore.  It drives me farther and farther down the path of insanity that I'm on.  My options only seem to dwindle away as time moves on.  My final destination draws nearer and nearer which is the only thing that seems to bring peace to me and put me at ease.