I'm restless tonight.  The fact that I have to be up in 4 hrs. to start getting ready for work should be enough for me to realize that I should go to bed.  My brain is tired.  I should go to bed.  I need to go to bed, but here I sit in front of the computer typing.  So many things are running through my head at the moment.

My wife went to bed early tonight.  Early enough that I ended up being the one making dinner for my sons.  The older one asked for spaghetti.  I made spaghetti for us.  Didn't have enough sauce for the amount that I made though.  It makes me chuckle.  Makes me wonder if nights like this where the three of us sat around the dinner table eating spaghetti is creating moments that my boys will remember for the rest of their lives.  I hope it does.  I think tonight will linger on in my memory.  It takes me back to a night when I was seven, maybe younger.  I gauge my age based off of the house that I was living in when the memory was created.  I wanted a bowl of cereal.  It was night time, I remember pouring the grapenuts into the bowl only to discover that we had no milk in the house.  I opted for orange juice.  It was horrible, but I made my way through the bowl.  Such a simple memory and yet I remember it so clearly.  I hope that I am creating memories like that with my boys.  Simple stupid moments, that will make a lasting impression for the rest of their lives.  I don't feel like I have been successful in that regard.  I feel that I am failing at that.  I need to resolve myself to attempt to better my parenting habits.

So many things on my mind.  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  The boys went home with my sister after dinner and spent a couple nights at her house.  My wife and I drove out to pick them up on Saturday.  Once we got there, as we were walking up to the house my older son came walking out saying "I knew that was your car!" as if he had been watching out the window for me.  He walked up to me, gave me a hug then turned around and started walking back to the house, ignoring the fact that my wife was even there. I know it hurt her feelings.  It had too.  Have I done such a bad job of parenting?

After picking them up we drove down to San Diego, the boys have been asking to go back as they found many new Pokemon there they last time that we drove down.  This time I thought we could visit someplace new:  Coronado Island.  We walked around for a bit, down the street to the Hotel Del Coronado.  It started sprinkling as we arrived and started coming down harder as we made our way around to the back of the hotel.  To our amazement they had an ice skating rink set up in the back.  I mused for a few moments on the fact that people were ice skating outside essentially on the beach in SoCal.  The rain started coming down pretty hard so we found shelter in the shops for a bit before walking back in the rain to the car.  For me it was almost a perfect moment in life.

I've been happy the past couple weeks.  I've accepted a position back at the last place that I worked for more money, much less stress.  Financially we are doing really well, we both purchased new cars within the last three weeks.  Life is going pretty well, but I'm hesitant to enjoy it.  I feel as if I am setting myself up into a false sense of security and that at any moment the world is going to come crashing down around me.  Like I'm going to get the phone call that is going to rip open every wound and shred this happiness that I am enduring.  Is this the sad state of mind that I have put myself into for the past 37 years?  Am I unable of processing happiness and accepting it?  It is the middle of the holiday season after all, which historically has been the darkest time of the year for me.  Granted the past year, maybe even the past two years have been different, but I almost feel guilt for not being sad.  Perhaps this is the reason for my restlessness tonight.