I've been wanting to post for a while now, but find myself lacking the words to express how I feel, and without those I just find myself retreating into myself seeking an escape.

Two weeks ago as I'm driving to work I get a text message from my sister stating that my step mother has had a heart attack and is in the hospital, but is currently feeling better.  I decided to drive the hour out to the hospital to see her and see if there is anything that I can do for her.  My sisters, between the three of them had discussed making the trip out to see her as well, but wouldn't be able to until later in the day. I figured once another one of them got there I could head back to work.  

I spent the morning talking to her about various things of no great consequence.  The subject of her car came up around lunch time.  She had driven to an urgent care facility and once there was transported to the hospital via ambulance, so she was concerned as to how she would get back to her car once she was released.  I ended up taking an uber ride to pick it up for her then drove it back to the hospital.  

Once back at the hospital the direction of the conversation turned to my father, who passed away a couple months ago.  She brought up the fact that he had a small amount of money saved which she had used to cover funeral/burial costs for him.  I made the comment that I was surprised that he actually had any money saved. To which she responded that it wasn't actually a savings but rather some money from an accident that he was involved in a couple years ago in which he lost the use of his left arm. Commented back "Well at least something good came out of that accident.", which changed the mood of the conversation.

They did not have a happy marriage.  She said the first year of it was fine, but after that year he turned into an ugly person, not quite verbally abusive, but very condescending, not complimentary at all, and nothing was ever good enough for him, and for the better part of 19 years of their marriage he had never told her he loved her.  After the accident, in the hospital once he woke up he looked at her and the first words out of his mouth was "I love you."  The loss of the use of his arm caused him to require a great amount of care. Which was very hard on her physically, but his attitude had changed and so dramatically that she said the marriage had taken a 180 degree turn and she was actually happy.  For three years she cared for him and took care of him, and those were the best three years of their 22 year marriage together.  It really gave me a different perspective on their lives together.  All the things that she had done over the years that my sisters and I had faulted her for changed for me and seemed almost justified.

My sisters' didn't make it out that day, so I ended up spending the whole day there with her.  Not exactly how one would want to spend the day, but I really did gain a better understanding of her, and I'm glad that I did.

I drove home that night, not in a hurry but with a lot running across my brain.  I told my wife about my day once I got home, and during my recap, I was watching my 12 year old sun load the dishwasher, when he casually says to me "Sometimes I think about killing myself."  

I can't think of any words that could be harder for a parent to hear, and given my past, it was very real for me.  I asked him to come sit with me and talk to me a little about it.  Asking probing questions to find out how much thought he may have put into it.  We talked for about an hour, before he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.  It was past his bedtime, so that wasn't out of the ordinary.  As soon as he walked out of the room I started to cry.