At some point between last night and this morning, perhaps in my dreams, I had the thought that life really is nothing without hope or faith, and that the end of those things is brought about by absolute knowledge.  If you absolutely know something is true, there is no refuting it, and thus it leaves nothing to hope for or have faith in.  For example: (I'm not saying this is a good one, but it will help to illustrate my point) If I were to be pulled over while driving to work.  I would have hope that I will just get a warning and be let go.  Once I see him (or her) writing out a ticket and I know that I am being cited, that absolute knowledge kills my hope.  On another note, I was just asked by a co-worker if I would like anything from McDonald's.  I have faith that that will result in me getting a bacon McGriddle giving me something to look forward to.  Once it is here (or isn't on the other hand) it won't require faith anymore as I have that absolute knowledge.

I've dreamed about Brittany twice recently.  Last night in the dream we happened to be in the same public space and she approached me saying "I'm finally ready." Given the context of our conversations while we were "together" I took this as meaning that she was ready to leave her husband, however it turns out she had not told him this just yet.  He was in the dream and I was there when she told him.  I was surprised that his reaction wasn't anger but sadness accompanied by pleading.  Once I was assured that anger and hostility wasn't going to be the way that the conversation went I walked away.  I went into their kitchen and started washing dishes, by hand to allow them some time and privacy.  I don't remember a whole lot more of the dream unfortunately.  The overall tone of the dream was dark and dingy. Nothing was well lit, most of the light seemed to be from neon lights or signs.  Picture a "futuristic" slum from an '80's movie.

Three other thoughts have come to me because of this dream.  First, I have an amazing feeling of sheer and utter contentment, which I am attributing to the dream.  I would wager that this same feeling accompanies my mornings every time that I dream about her, and makes me want to dream about her more often.  Second, while I have a near absolute knowledge that she and I will never actually be together as a couple, I can't imagine that somewhere deep inside my psyche there isn't a part of me that still holds onto a tiny spec of hope that we might be.  Third, is more of a question to myself than anything else.  What would I actually do should that ever happen?  I'd never be able to fully commit or trust myself in that relationship which wouldn't be fair to her, would I want to live with that doubt in the back of my mind?  Would I want to put my wife through me leaving again?  I absolutely hate hypothetical situations, because I don't believe that you can know what your emotions will actually make you do given a certain situation, so I don't even know why I would start going through all these scenarios, but such is the state of my mind.  All in all, I'm choosing to just enjoy the peace in my soul this morning.