I turned the TV off, to turn it on again
Staring at the blades of the fan as it spins around
Counting every crack, the clock is wide awake
Talking to myself, anything to make a sound

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

You can say we’re done the way you always do
It’s easier to lie to me than to yourself
Forget about your friends, you know they’re gonna say
We’re bad for each other, but we ain’t good for anyone else

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

We don’t have to miss each other, come over
We don’t have to fix each other, come over
We don’t have to say forever, come over
You don’t have to stay forever, come over

I told you I wouldn’t call, I told you I wouldn’t care
But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere
I don’t think that I can take this bed getting any colder
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over
Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

Sam Hunt (or Kenny Chesney)

"Come Over"

I'm restless tonight.  The fact that I have to be up in 4 hrs. to start getting ready for work should be enough for me to realize that I should go to bed.  My brain is tired.  I should go to bed.  I need to go to bed, but here I sit in front of the computer typing.  So many things are running through my head at the moment.

My wife went to bed early tonight.  Early enough that I ended up being the one making dinner for my sons.  The older one asked for spaghetti.  I made spaghetti for us.  Didn't have enough sauce for the amount that I made though.  It makes me chuckle.  Makes me wonder if nights like this where the three of us sat around the dinner table eating spaghetti is creating moments that my boys will remember for the rest of their lives.  I hope it does.  I think tonight will linger on in my memory.  It takes me back to a night when I was seven, maybe younger.  I gauge my age based off of the house that I was living in when the memory was created.  I wanted a bowl of cereal.  It was night time, I remember pouring the grapenuts into the bowl only to discover that we had no milk in the house.  I opted for orange juice.  It was horrible, but I made my way through the bowl.  Such a simple memory and yet I remember it so clearly.  I hope that I am creating memories like that with my boys.  Simple stupid moments, that will make a lasting impression for the rest of their lives.  I don't feel like I have been successful in that regard.  I feel that I am failing at that.  I need to resolve myself to attempt to better my parenting habits.

So many things on my mind.  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  The boys went home with my sister after dinner and spent a couple nights at her house.  My wife and I drove out to pick them up on Saturday.  Once we got there, as we were walking up to the house my older son came walking out saying "I knew that was your car!" as if he had been watching out the window for me.  He walked up to me, gave me a hug then turned around and started walking back to the house, ignoring the fact that my wife was even there. I know it hurt her feelings.  It had too.  Have I done such a bad job of parenting?

After picking them up we drove down to San Diego, the boys have been asking to go back as they found many new Pokemon there they last time that we drove down.  This time I thought we could visit someplace new:  Coronado Island.  We walked around for a bit, down the street to the Hotel Del Coronado.  It started sprinkling as we arrived and started coming down harder as we made our way around to the back of the hotel.  To our amazement they had an ice skating rink set up in the back.  I mused for a few moments on the fact that people were ice skating outside essentially on the beach in SoCal.  The rain started coming down pretty hard so we found shelter in the shops for a bit before walking back in the rain to the car.  For me it was almost a perfect moment in life.

I've been happy the past couple weeks.  I've accepted a position back at the last place that I worked for more money, much less stress.  Financially we are doing really well, we both purchased new cars within the last three weeks.  Life is going pretty well, but I'm hesitant to enjoy it.  I feel as if I am setting myself up into a false sense of security and that at any moment the world is going to come crashing down around me.  Like I'm going to get the phone call that is going to rip open every wound and shred this happiness that I am enduring.  Is this the sad state of mind that I have put myself into for the past 37 years?  Am I unable of processing happiness and accepting it?  It is the middle of the holiday season after all, which historically has been the darkest time of the year for me.  Granted the past year, maybe even the past two years have been different, but I almost feel guilt for not being sad.  Perhaps this is the reason for my restlessness tonight.

I may have said this before, perhaps not, but either way I'm going to say it.  I love Twitter.  The randomness, the folly, the anonymity of it all.  It keeps me entertained, from the darkest depravity to the lightest inspirational tweet, it's all there, and while it is few and far between, I have met some pretty incredible people, some of whom I have had quite involved and deep conversations with.  One of which even took the time to read through some of the posts on this site.  Made me feel good knowing that someone has actually taken some time to read through portions of this.  I may happen more than I realize but if it does, I am unaware. 

A few days ago I came across someone's tweet which read "I wonder when the ache of wanting something you can never have ever goes away." The first response that came to my mind with which I replied was "As soon as you stop thinking about it.  Don't ask how to do that,  I haven't figured that part out yet."

I thought about it a little bit more and replied again.  "The real question is do you really want to stop thinking about it enough to make the ache stop?  For me, no."

My life has gotten much much more enjoyable over the past two years, and yet my heart and mind  ache for her still.  I still think about her often.  I choose to think about her often.  I have many of our text conversations saved and get lost reading through them for hours.  I have a small number of photos left from those conversations that still bring a smile to my face when I look at them.  I watch movies and listen to music that allows me to remember the happiness I felt with her in my life. Music that I couldn't bear to listen to shortly after our parting of ways now both bring a smile to my face along with ripping open and deepening the hole in my heart and yet sadistically leaves me feeling fulfilled.  A few months back I saw a movie with an actress the uncannily looks like her (at least to me) and I could barely stand to continue on watching it.  I have avoided the movie since, until tonight that is.  Ripping open my heart still, but well worth the pain to see "her" in motion.

Expressing these thoughts and feelings now brings me to think.  I no longer feel a need to cut myself as I have in times past.  She is my new release.  The pain I feel due to her memory gives me the release in my life.  Unconditionally, I love her and pray that she is happy in life.

Yesterday was my birthday.  Another year past, another new beginning of sorts.  Perhaps subconsciously that is what lead to the train of thought that I went down today.  I've always looked at the events of my life as what transformed and molded me into who and what I am today.  I'm happy with who I am, and what I've become, with very few regrets.  I like to believe that I can look at life and the events that happen to me objectively and that I don't have to let them affect who I am.  No way to know for sure, though I guess.

Today while driving I came across an interesting thought.  You hear people ask "if you could meet anyone who would it be?" Which is usually followed up with a question similar to "do they have to be alive or could they be dead?" or something to that effect.  Personally I've never really come up with an answer to that first question.  I don't believe that any single happening would or could really have any positive or negative long term affect on my life.  It might make me feel happy for a couple hours maybe I could come up with someone that talking to might motivate me for a couple days, maybe a week, but ultimately I am who I am and no one is really going to change me.  I had the thought, if parallel universes or timelines existed, I would want to meet myself, from a parallel timeline.  One where I didn't experience sexual abuse by a neighbor or stepfather.  I think it would be fascinating to see if those experiences have or have not had an adverse effect on my life.  If I hadn't lived through that would I still have the darkness and depression inside me lurking to take me down at any moment?  Would my sexual drive still be as active or powerful as it is or would it be more subdued and subtle.  Would I still seek for sexual release as a form of validation?  Would I struggle with the "addiction" that I feel that I have?  Would I be the same person that I am today.  Would I be stronger? Or did those experiences strengthen me?  Perhaps having a three way conversation between the two of me I have already described and a third me, one being the one who experienced it but spoke out and did something about it instead of repressing it.  I almost want to just sit and ponder what that conversation would be like, the endless possibilities and dialogues that would come from it, but at the same time knowing that would be an utter waste of time as such a situation could never actually occur.

I attended a wedding yesterday.  I normally groan at the thought because in my day to day life I'm somewhat of an anti-marriage mindset.  I don't see what the point is.  In worldly legal ways it is nothing more than a piece of paper that essentially says "I agree to share everything I have and all my benefits with this person." From a religious standpoint (at least in my limited knowledge of religion) it says "These two people 'love' each other and can now sleep with each other."  These outlooks are no doubt skewed by my experience with marriage. My parents who have been religious all of their lives have undergone "till death do we part" 9 times collectively and so far as I know neither have died, so what does that suggest to someone about the institution of marriage?  Even in my own marriage, I didn't marry for love.  Don't get me wrong, I care for my wife deeply.  She is an amazing person with a heart of gold that on most days I don't feel deserving of, however can I say honestly to myself that I love her? Sadly no. 

The wedding I attended yesterday was one from the Mormon faith and honestly I felt something there that I haven't felt when looking back over the years and all the weddings that I've attended.  That feeling was...a double edge sword of sorts.  One side saying that for some the institution of marriage is a worth while endeavor that will truly bring happiness to the people involved, while on the other side reminding me of the lack of interest and excitement that I feel in my own.  I do have to admit out of all the weddings I've been to, the one yesterday I can say was the first one I've attended in quite sometime, that I wasn't just enduring the moments to find a socially acceptable time to exit. 

I miss the beach.  The beach is a great place to visit, be it during the day, with family and friends around enjoying the sun, the waves, the water, or at night by one's self quietly reflecting on life with the crash of the waves on the sand. 

I used to drive to the beach late at night, sit in a camping chair that had taken residence in my trunk, staring out into the darkness.  Mostly pitch black, with the occasional white cap on the waves visible in the dim moonlight.  The monotonous roar of the waves.  I could easily have sat there all night long.  On one hand wishing that I lived on the East Coast so I could sit there and watch the sun rise over the water, with nothing between it and I to obstruct the spectacle.

On the other hand finding solace in the darkness.  The familiarity of it bringing peace to my mind like an external representation of my soul.

22 months. I have an amazing chiropractor. Not only is she skilled at realigning my spine, but also studied neurology.  She once told me that 22 months is the time period that the mind needs to get over someone. 

It has been more than that since we last spoke and signs aren't suggesting that it's getting any better.  I started feeling like it might be getting better just a few days ago however.  Last night and the evening before have shown me quite the opposite.  While walking through the apartment complex where I now reside, the route I choose to take requires me to pass by a pool.  As summer has now officially started, there has been quite the buzz around the pool area. It has become (as well it should) quite the bustling oasis to escape the heat. As I was walking not one but two of the people that were at the pool began to look like her. The night before, same story.  I was walking to my apartment and saw another resident walking with her young son, and though I knew it would not be her, my heart not only made the connection that it looked like her, but went so far as to entertain the thought of "What if it was her?"  What would I do? 

Last night while binge watching a new TV show that I've come to love, one of the main characters suddenly began to look like her as well.  It was strange as the hair color is completely different, but once that visualization flashed across my brain, many similarities in personality of the character came to light and that was all I could think of for the rest of the night.

I don't think I'm getting better.  I think I'm getting worse, but while the need to release the emotional pain inside via external release hasn't come back, it is probably lurking somewhere near the surface.

Last night, my wife came across some random website that listed "100 Funny & Random Questions to Ask Your Husband (date night conversation starters)".  She quickly made her way through list.  Most answers, for me at least would have required quite a bit of thought, narrowing down options of answers or picking a favorite, etc.  This got my mind thinking about more than a couple things.  Not that the questions were thought provoking, most were trivial sophomoric light hearted questions, but here is what came to mind.  I'm not very opinionated, not that this is any new revelation, but I couldn't come up with many of the answers. 

The thing that really got to me however, I believe was the first question on the list.  "What is something you wanted to do as a child, but never got to do?"  Something very lighthearted, I'm sure most people would be able to come up with a list of things.  I drew a blank.  I couldn't think of anything or come up with an answer for it.  Leads me to a couple of different thought paths.  Was my childhood so fulfilling that I was able to live out all of my desires?  Was I robbed of a childhood, and therefore had no fantasies to aspire towards?  Is my childhood blocked or locked away somewhere inside my head that I am only limited to memories of the events of my childhood, and not thoughts of my youth?

"Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me)"

By Simple Plan
 

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No, I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but noone hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No, I can't

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

As well as things have been for me, I had to expect that it wouldn't last.  Not that anything specific has happened, or even changed.  Something just came to mind that I haven't really thought about for a bit.  It's not secret (to anyone who really knows me) but to say I'm happily married would be a lie.  I am married, yes.  I am happy....for the most part, but to put the two together just doesn't mesh for me.  There are many positives in my life, and marriage.  We don't fight.  We don't argue.  She stays out of my way when my mood requires.  There is just no passion (on my side).  To her, I am...infallible. I make her happy.  I bring her up, I lighten her day.  She looks forward to the moment I walk in the door.  She loves to do little things for me to show me how much she loves me.  She tells me she loves me.  Quite often actually.  Sadly (but truthfully) I cannot say it back.

This morning I was listening to some music that I haven't listened to in quite some time.  The first song which stuck out in my head that I wanted to listen to was "One Boy, One Girl" by Colin Raye.  The first lines say, "He finally gave in to his friend's girlfriend When she said, 'there's someone you should meet' At a crowded restaurant way cross town He waited impatiently She walked in their eyes met and they both stared And right there and then everyone else disappeared, but....."  I'm missing desire in my life.  Passion.  I go through the motions everyday, stuck in monotony. Wanting something, but not knowing what it is.  Now that I think about it, it stretches way beyond my wife.  That is just the object that is most prominent in my life to which it applies.  I want a connection with my spouse.  I want to feel that desire to see her, to engage with her.  To feel the comfort in being with her. To feel that longing when I'm away.  I just don't have that.  In the grander scheme of things, I want a job that offers some fulfillment.  A sense of purpose.  A sense of accomplishment.  I wish to educate myself, to better myself, to enlighten my mind with new ideas.  To exercise my talents.  Where does one begin to do this?