I had an experience last night, that I can almost guarantee will never happen again.  It's something you see in movies quite often, but not something you'd expect to ever happen to you in the real world.  I'm afraid I handled it wrong.  Actually, afraid isn't the right word to use.  I'm anxious, knowing that I handled it wrong, and will most likely never know the outcome or resolution of what happened, and while over time I know it will fade, it will always be there in the back of my head and will come back to me.

I was craving Rubio's last night for dinner.  My wife and kids not being fans of anything seafood opted to go the the place next door to eat.  We had a nice dinner together and started home.

It dark by the time we left, being after 8 pm. The route home took us down a smaller street that isn't exactly well lit, despite running along the side of a hospital.  I saw something in the road ahead so I began to slow down, and as the headlights got closer there was a young, thin woman in the road, naked aside from a small white pair of panties, and leads as if she had been in the hospital attached to her chest and arms . She was young, very thin and clearly distraught. She stumbled to a crouch, and slowly stood up as I came to a stop, she attempted to cover herself with one arm, while she had a cell phone in the other hand up to her ear as if making, or at least attempting to make a phone call.  She walked up to the passenger side of the vehicle as my wife rolled her window down asking for help.  At the same time I got out of the vehicle while removing my shirt to give to her to cover up.  The woman was asking for help, stating that she was naked, and that "They had just tried to kill her baby."

As I handed her my shirt, her attention turned to me, and she asked me to give her a ride.  Not knowing more of what was going on, or the state of her mental health, I hesitated.  My mind rolled through putting her in my vehicle with my family in it and all the various outcomes that could happen.  I reluctantly agreed, but she must have noticed my reluctance or my hesitation and said it was fine, thanked me for the shirt and started walking away.

My car being parked in the street at this point I knew at the very least I needed to move it.  I got back in asked my wife if she had called 911 to which she replied "No, I didn't want to with the window down."  I instructed her to do so as I started to move the car.  Not knowing what else to do, and it being close to bed time for my kids, I drove up the road as if to go home as my wife made the phone call.  I overheard the dispatcher on the other end of the line say that they had receive another call about the woman and ask if we could still see her.  I decided at that point keeping an eye on her until the police got there would probably be the best course of action so I turned the vehicle around and headed back.

It had only been a minute, maybe two tops, but the woman was no where to be found.  I pulled off onto a smaller street and once again parked the car and got out, telling my family to stay in the car.  I walked up and down the street trying to find her but could not.  I called out a couple of times but got no response.  There were a couple of other people walking along the road, that didn't seem to have come across her, as they were casually walking along in normal conversation.

Coming back to my vehicle my wife was talking with the driver of another vehicle that also said they had come across her, but prior to us seeing her because by their description she was naked.  We waited a short time longer, then drove around the area for another 20 searching for her, asking others we came across in parking lots but with no success.  No police ever came by, at least that we know of.  The woman was gone, and we will more than likely never know what came of her.

Perhaps what I feel is guilt, the anxiety that courses through me regarding the matter being the consequence of my actions, knowing that I could have and should have done more.

She is a dream and a curse to me.  I continue to dream about her, which I love in the moment, but upon waking and coming back to reality rehashes and opens up all the wounds that I forget were there.

I dreamt about her again last night.  I had joined a gym unknowing that she had a membership to the same gym.  We started talking.  There was tension between us but no hostility.  We could both feel the desire to apologize, but not necessarily the need to.  There was a strain hovering just over our heads stopping us from being who we wanted to be.  We talked about grabbing food sometime with each other.  I bit the bullet feeling the need to get past the tension and said "Why not tonight then?"  That seemed to be the acknowledgement that was needed to break the tension.  It was me admitting that I wanted to be with her. That all that had happened in the past was of no consequence to me, so long as there was a future.

Almost as if in continuum to the dreams I had last week, last night I dreamt about Brittany again.  The details are a little more vague this morning as I write this than I would have liked, but the story of it is clear.  Her husband decided to let her go, and be with me.  As happy and excited as I was at this on one hand, I was torn.  Torn because I myself am married to someone who loves and adores me.  I already broke her heart once over this, and the events in the dream meant I would have to do it again.

I remember walking through her home wondering if it would be ours or if it would go to her husband.  I remember looking at the color scheme and especially at one particular wall, with multiple shelves and cubbyholes in it, painted a brilliantly bright orange, and wondering to myself, "Am I going to be able to live in a place decorated like this?"

My own real life experience in their home doesn't lend any truth to the dream and her style of decor, but I do find it interesting that I was so focused on it in the dream.

I must say, however, that I enjoyed the dream, and that I hope this trend continues.

Within the last couple days I thought to myself, it has been more than three years since I've had any real contact with her, but I didn't lament over that fact.  It was almost as if I was okay with that.  I thought to myself "Perhaps I am actually moving on."

Last night hit me like I never could have expected.  Not just a dream, not just two dreams, but three separate dreams spanning the entire nights sleep about her.  The first mostly just focused on the two of us hanging out, not necessarily in a romantic way, but getting reacquainted with each other and getting caught up on the events of the past years.  The second I don't recall too much about unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you choose to look at things).

The last, while it did revolve around her, I don't remember it focusing on her, but more her husband, and me attempting to convince him that I was no longer a threat or pursuing her in that manner while pleading for his approval to allow me back into her life on a friendship level as it had been prior to everything that transpired.  The part of the dream that stands out most, was he and I along with another (unknown to me) person had gone to a water park of some sort and were hanging out, presumably to allow him to gauge my level of sincerity on the matter.  The thing that struck me most about the excursion to this water park is that it wasn't sunny and hot.  While the temperature didn't seem to be a part of the dream, the sky was black and lit up by normal lamps as if it was 10 or 11 at night throughout the dream.  Not exactly water park weather.  Upon leaving the park his vehicle had been badly vandalized to the point of not being drivable. Circumstances what they were I was more than happy to offer him and the third person from the trio home hoping that it might further my cause with him.

Another scene from this third dream made me question my own sincerity for my cause with him found me alone, uninvited in his house (it did not seem as if she was also living there).  I was searching through the home for something that is unknown to me.  I remember pulling up an A/C or heater vent that was mounted in the floor of a room to reveal a rather interesting cache of weapons.  Interesting in the fact that while it was only a small number of handguns, they were unlike anything that I have ever seen as far as design goes.  I remember thinking that while this was not what it was that I was looking for, in the event that I did not find it, I would return and take the weapons for my own.  My search continued to no avail, but was interrupted when he unexpectedly returned home and walked through the door to find me holding his gun.  It would have been simple, and quick for me to pull the trigger, ending his life, leaving me free to pursue her to whatever end I saw fit and yet that was not the course of action that I chose to take.  Instead, I clumsily fumbled for words to come up with some sort of excuse or reason as to why I was in his home, rummaging through his possessions in order to have found his guns, and why I had removed the gun from it's setting in the first place.  

I don't recall anything else from the dream, but I woke this morning disappointed that it had all been a dream.  The whole experience left me...longing for contact with her in some capacity.

I won't say I'm sorry, I won't take back a single word, This is exactly how I feel. I won't say I'm sorry, Take me exactly at my word, It doesn't matter how you feel.

--Face To Face

“I Won’t Say I’m Sorry”

Protection

Lyrics from a recently discovered song that quickly became one of my new favorites.  A look into the attitude that I have taken toward the world outside.  I am an honest person, and I know that those around me can sense that.  I don't use words I don't mean.  If I say them, know that I mean them.  

When I said forever.... I meant it.

Today is Mother's Day and while the date isn't the same, it marks an anniversary of sorts.  It was three years ago on Mother's Day that it ended.  Nothing much to say about that.  Do I regret it; yes.  Do I regret going to Vegas; no.  I stand by the decision that I made to make that trip.  I made the decision to go and I don't think it was the wrong decision.  Her reaction hurt.  A lot.  The regret that I have is how I chose to deal with that pain.  I wanted to hurt her back. I tried, whether or not I succeeded I don't know.  I don't know what the repercussions of what I did were, all I know is that I regret it.  I still think of her regularly.  I still see her face everywhere.  I think I've overcome the pain though.  I think...  I think a lot.  I think too much at times.  Too often.

I've recently come across the song "All For Nothing" by Face To Face.  I love the song.  I've posted the lyrics in the post just before this one.  I have to laugh at them when the title of the song is taken into consideration.  The song talks about all the things that he has given up or changed in his life to be with someone.  It actually sounds kinda heartfelt, then you look at the title of the song and realize he did it "All For Nothing".  I love it.

"All For Nothing" by Face To Face
 

I have given up the demons
I've made up a hundred reasons
I have turned my back on everything I knew
I have justified my actions
Been denied the satisfaction
I’ve believed and I've put away the truth

All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you

I have lost the inhibitions
I have felt a deep contrition
And I've realized there's still so much to do
I was lost inside my own lies
I felt victim and I thought I
Would never find the strength to do what I must do

All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you

I've been inside hell and out of
I've done things I'm less than proud of
I have only ever tried to get to you
I've lost everything and still have
Never given up until I either die
Or I will make it back to you

All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you
All to be with you

All to be with you

All to be with you

I've been watching "Californication" on Netflix the past couple weeks.  I can't lie, I love the show.  I identify with the shows main character more than I'd like to admit, aside from the fact that he never sticks up for himself.  He is always defending someone else, but when it comes to getting his side of things out there he shuts up and doesn't get his point of view out there.  I side with him on a lot of things, including his dysfunctional desire to be with the mother of his child.  I almost envy him for the fact that he had a chance to have a child with his "muse" which ties them together and keeps them in each others lives, no matter how bad things get.  What I wouldn't give to have had that chance.

I came across her a couple days ago.  I was driving around aimlessly during my lunch break, pulled through the parking lot in a local Walmart, and much to my chagrin, my delight there she was walking across the isle into the store her youngest in tow.  That youngest which had I not created the life I did could very easily have been mine.  Aside from all that, seeing her ripped me into shreds throwing my emotions every which way but right.  The sheer sight of her bringing me euphorically to paradise, but at the same time slowly ripping the band aid off of the gaping hole in my chest.  The joy and peace she brought into my life being overshadowed by the anxiety of not wanting her to see me for fear of how such an encounter might cause her to react.  I've only seen her one other time since the day that things ended between us.  The last time wrenching my insides around making me almost sick.  Not that seeing her in person was a bad thing, quite the contrary really, more the knowledge that for the second and most likely last time I drove her away. 

I cannot believe in karma.  I cannot believe or wrap my head around the concept that I have done anything in this life or a past one that would make me deserving of the anguish that I felt, watching her walk unknowingly past me in a crowd.

This might sound a little odd, but it is pretty typical of the way my mind works.  While gettng ready for work, I was ironing my clothes and I started thinking about the Revolutionary War.  From there my mind traveled wandered and started thinking about the British perspective of the Revolutionary War.  From my American perspective, it was the begining of our country.  A rather large part of American history, but from the British perspective do they talk about how a rag tag bunch of colonists beat them in a war and won freedom from the crown?  I was inclined to think not.  Even the name itself, would the Brits even call it the "Revolutionary War"?  Over the course of my life I've accumulated a couple of Brittish friends so I thought I'd pose the question to them to get my answer.  The conversation went as follows:  

Me:  What do British people call the American Revolutionary War?
Her:  It this a question or a joke?
Me:  A question, I'm curious.
Her:  The American Civil War?
Me:  No the one back from the 1700's.

She never responded after that.  When she said "American Civil War" my mind obviously went to the actual Civil War which is why I responded the way that I did, not even for a moment thinking that from the Brittish perspective, it may have been considered a civil war.  Not satisfied with that answer since she had ended it with a question mark, I turned to the internet in order to see if I could find the answer.  A quick Google search turned up a few pages where other people seemed to have had the same question.  There were a couple of different answers between the many responses of people on the site.  The most common of which ended up being "The War of American Idependance".  Amongst the answers was an explanation that got my mind really thinking.  First off, one person stated that it wasn't really covered in their educational system and joked "I don't understand how they (the Brittish) aren't in control of the entire world as they won every war that they were taught" about.  This kind of answered one of my original questions.  Makes sense I guess to a point.  The second point that someone made was at various points in history the Brittish empire was one of the largest and that they had territories all over the world.  America was just another territory that was lost over the course of time.  Almost as if they were just writting it off as no big deal.  Quite the concept if you think about it.  While the Revolutionary War and winning our independance was such a large part of America's short history to the vast history of England it is just a blip.  Proof in point that as open minded as I consider myself to be, there is a world of perspectives that I haven't even begun to explore or think about.  Which brings to mind the countless number of other things or ideas that I've got about the world based off of my narrow American perspective that maybe needs to be explored a little deeper.

A new year has begun.  Time will tell how it will turn out.  A week ago my darkness returned.  Left me feeling disconnected from everything.  Life had been going pretty good, then all of a sudden it felt empty and without purpose.  I've somewhat recovered from it over the past seven days. 

With that being said Brittany has been on my mind the last couple days, quite possibly because of a song I came across while listening to music.  The song is titled "Come Over" and has been recorded by both Kenny Chesney and Sam Hunt.  The lyrics almost perfectly describe they way my relationship with her was.  "We don't have to miss each other, Come over.  We don't have to fix each other, Come over.  We don't have to say forever, Come over.  You don't have to stay forever, Come over."  I was always pleading for her to come over.  Then at the end "I told you I wouldn't call, I told you I wouldn't care, But baby climbing these walls gets me nowhere" is how I feel since.  I need something....anything to distract me from her.

 I dreamt about being with her last night, and to be honest I didn't want to wake up.  I don't remember anything about the dream really though, but I was happy.  That much is clear.